10 tips to help you prepare emotionally for mediation/court or a meeting with your ex
Does the idea of seeing your ex across a court room fill you with dread? Do you have nightmares about your forthcoming mediation session? Or perhaps you break out in a cold sweat at the thought of sitting across a table from your ex in a meeting with your legal representatives?
Having to face your ex in any of these scenarios can be scary and anxiety-inducing. I know how that feels. I put off my first “round-table” meeting with my ex-husband for 9 months after he left, afraid of what that meeting might bring, scared of the uncertainty that I felt around where I would end up after that meeting, frightened of what the future might look like once we actually started talking about how to split the life that we had built together.
I work now with my clients to help them feel confident and resourceful when they go into meeting or mediation with their ex. These are my top tips for preparing emotionally for any meeting with your ex:
Choose to focus on what you CAN control
My biggest tip of all is to remember what you CAN control and focus on that. You CAN control what you do in preparation for the meeting that is making you feel anxious. You CAN control what you wear, how you stand, and what you say. You can’t control what your ex says or does, but you CAN control your reactions to what they say or do. It might not be easy, and you may need to practice – believe me it is worth it.
When you look back in 5 years’ time, you will know that you did all you could, and you can feel proud.
By shifting your focus onto what you can do, you will start to feel less overwhelmed. Whilst you can’t remove all the stress, when you do all you can to help yourself, you can know that you are being as resourceful as you can be.
This is a conscious choice, and it is one that you can make.
What you wear matters
What you wear can have a huge effect on how you feel. When you wear your oldest tracksuit, the one with the holes and frayed edges, how do you feel? When you wear your smartest outfit, the one you would wear to an interview, how does that feel different?
Your clothes also affect how others see you and react to you. Wearing bright colours portrays confidence and energy. Red is a strong, powerful colour but be aggressive, whilst green is calming and fresh. Dark blue gives a feeling of authority and professionalism.
You could buy a new outfit or item, to be your “court/mediation” shirt/trousers/shoes. One of my clients recently sewed a bright red ribbon into her court shirt, to remind her of her own resourcefulness and strength.
And always wear underwear that makes you feel good!
How you stand matters
Imagine walking into your meeting with your body language showing confidence at each step. How would you hold your head? How would you carry your shoulders? How much difference would that make to your confidence level?
You can do this, even if you don’t feel it inside. “Act as if”. Before your meeting, stand in front of a mirror, roll your shoulders back, hold your hands up high, and put a massive grin on your face. It is almost impossible to feel down when you do a power pose like this. Make this part of your preparation.
Have some lines prepared in case you need a break, or to call time
Many of my clients say that they don’t know what to say if they feel their emotions rising, or they can tell the meeting is going downhill rapidly, and this increases their feelings of stress and anxiety.
How would it feel if you knew you had a few sentences up your sleeve in case you needed time out, or to leave the meeting? Would you feel better prepared?
Some possible examples might be:
I need time to think about that
That won’t be possible
When you shout at me, I feel disrespected so I would like to take a 5 minute break
This is not working for me, so I need to leave now
Practice your lines before you go to your meeting or mediation, so that when you go to use them for real, your brain will know what you want to say. Don’t be afraid to walk away if you need to.
Remind yourself of all the things you have achieved before
As part of your preparation, create a list of all the things you have done that you are proud of. What new skills have you learnt in the last 6 months? What else have you faced and overcome? What skills did you use to do that?
Remember the resources you already have and ask yourself how you could best use those resources now.
Have clarity around the facts
Before you go into any meeting, mediation or hearing, have all the information that you need. Do you know what your numbers look like? Do you know what outcome you would like to achieve, and how realistic that is?
Take advice from your lawyer, financial adviser or other relevant professional. Ask questions, find out all you can. Avoid taking well-meaning but inaccurate advice from friends – their situation is not yours.
Focus on the outcome you want
What do you want your relationship to look and feel like in 5 years’ time? Keep that vision in mind throughout the meeting, hearing or mediation. If you feel your emotions rising, take some deep breaths and remind yourself of where you want to get to, and the outcome you want. Keep that vision in the forefront of your mind.
Focus on the future, not the past. How will you feel about what you say now, in 5 years’ time?
Approach it as a business meeting
Imagine that you are going into an important meeting at work, and put on your work persona. This will help you to keep your emotions at bay.
Have a clear agenda – so you know what you need to prepare and what will be discussed
Know your figures
Bring any paperwork you need to refer to
Be clear, to the point and factual
Have pens, paper, post it notes
Bring water and a something to eat
Stop, breathe, think act
Use this mantra to remind yourself to stop and breathe before you speak, especially if your emotions are running high. Calm your brain and your body by getting oxygen back into your system.
Be the Steven Spielberg of your own mind
Did you know that your brain doesn’t know the difference between something that you remember and something that you imagine? Now that you are prepared, knowing how you want to stand, what you will wear, and armed with several lines to use, you can be the Steven Spielberg of your own mind.
Imagine the scenario you are worried about vividly in your mind. Watch the scene happening like a movie in your mind, like you are watching it on a big screen.
See yourself in the movie, wearing clothes that make you feel good, see yourself saying exactly what you need to say, and acting exactly as you want. Notice how you hold your body. Hear yourself saying whatever it is you need to say or writing whatever you need to write.
Now rewind the scene right back to the beginning.
Run the scene through again, only this time, make it even better. Make it brighter and more vivid. See yourself acting even more confidently. Make the screen even bigger.
Now rewind the scene right back to the beginning.
Run the scene through again. This time, step into the scene. You are no longer watching it, you are a part of it. See it with your own eyes, hear your own voice, feel your improved actions from within your own skin.
Notice how good it feels to be in control of the situation, of your feelings and actions, and how good it feels to walk away knowing that you did the best you possibly could and it went as well as you could have imagined.
Notice how good it feels now that you know what you want to say, and how you want to feel and act.
When you are faced with that scenario now, your brain will know exactly what you need to do.
If you would like to read how coaching helped just one of my clients face mediation, please read Emily’s story.
The better prepared you are for any meeting, mediation or court hearing, the better equipped you are to come out having taken positive steps towards the outcome you want.