Divorce is commonly accepted now as one of the most traumatic life events. It can throw your world upside down, and it might be painful and confusing. For many of us, the legal process is an alien world, and even in the most amicable of divorces, there is uncertainty.

It’s really normal to feel lost, confused or overwhelmed in this unknown world – so here are 7 tips to empower yourself to feel confident as you navigate your way:

Control the controllables

Although it might feel like everything is out of control, it really isn’t. Instead of worrying about the things you can’t change, focus on what is within your control, even (especially!) the small things. For example:

What you wear – dress for how you want to feel; wear colours to lift you and outfits to make you feel good

What you watch on TV – ditch heavy drama and watch something light instead
What music you listen to – say no to sad love songs and yes to uplifting tunes
How you stand – stand tall, shoulders back, and look at the horizon.
Your routines – start a simple morning and evening routine, and shake up routines that no longer work
Do things differently - shop somewhere new, try new foods, eat in a new restaurant, get a new haircut or buy an outfit you wouldn’t normally try

Use a power pose

Using a power pose to break a negative state can have a massive impact. Try this out next time you want to feel a burst of confidence

Shake your body off
Stand up tall
Hold your head held high
Roll your shoulders back
Put your arms in the air and reach up
Put a massive grin on your face (even if you don’t really feel like it!)
Say out loud “I can do this. This too shall pass”, or another mantra you find powerful

Notice how you feel now.

Visualise yourself feeling confident

Imagine being able to feel confident whenever you wanted…..

What might be possible? What would you be able to do? What could be different?

Try this strategy. Practice it, so that when you need it, it’s there at your fingertips.

Recall a time when you felt really confident. In your mind, go back to that time and notice:
- how you are standing
- what thoughts you are having
- how you feel
Associate into that posture, those thoughts, that feeling. Breathe it in.
Now imagine that in front of you on the floor is a circle of light in your favourite colour. Inside that circle, anything is possible, and you can be whoever you need to be.
As you associate into the feeling of confidence, step into the circle. Feel it flowing through your body and know that you can step into that circle whenever you need to.

Change the questions you ask in your mind

Your brain is like google. It will answer the questions you ask it. So if you ask it “why is this happening to me?” or “why is my life so difficult?”, your brain will answer those questions, and down you’ll go in a negative spiral. Shift your questions. Try these instead:

Who could help me right now?
What have I overcome before, and how can I use that experience now?
If there was a tiny upside to this, what would it be?
What can I do now that I couldn’t do before?
What did I achieve today?
If I knew, what 1 small step would make a massive difference today?

This might not come naturally at first, so write these questions down, stick them up where you can see them. Go to them whenever you find yourself in a negative question spiral. Consciously use them, and over time they will become second nature.

Tell your story with intention

Do you find yourself telling your sad story repeatedly? Or complaining to your friends all the time about your ex?

Next time you talk about your separation or divorce, take notice of the words you use. How do they make you feel? If every time you tell your story you feel sad, angry, upset, bitter, then ask yourself how you could tell your story differently.

How about telling a story of what you have achieved, learnt, and overcome? A story which makes you feel proud of where you are?

Give it a go and notice too how other people react differently to you when you tell this new story.

Use your WOW brain, not your OW brain

Imagine you are half way up a mountain. You have a choice now.

Do you look up the mountain and say to yourself, “OW, look how far I still have to go”?

Or do you look down the mountain and say “WOW, look how far I’ve come already”?

When you use your WOW brain, you train your brain to look for what you have learnt, the resources you already have, the skills you can use to take the next step up the mountain.

Knowledge is power

Face your fears head on. Don’t let all the things that scare you swirl around in your head. Instead, brainstorm them onto a piece of paper. Then take each by turn and ask yourself what 1 small step you could take to address that fear. What knowledge do you need? Who could help you get it?

Knowledge is power. Knowledge means you can make informed, empowered decisions from a place of understanding.

There are lots of ways to feel more confident as you move through your divorce - these are just 7 of them. I know they work because I’ve used them myself, and with lots of my clients.

Give them a go!