13 tips to help you handle living with your ex while you divorce
Living with the person you are divorcing can stressful and difficult, so here are 13 tips to help you to handle living with your ex while you divorce:
Keep your long-term goals at the forefront of your mind
How do you want to feel about this period in years to come? How do you want your children to remember this time? How do you want your relationship with your ex to look and feel in 1 year/5 years/ at your child’s wedding?
Once you are clear what you want to achieve, keep that in the forefront of your mind, and ask yourself whether the action you are about to take, or the words you are about to say, will take you closer to or further away from that goal.
I worked with a client, Leah, last year, who said that she wanted her son to feel proud of how she handled this time in years to come, and keeping that goal at the front of her mind helped her to keep control of her emotions when she might otherwise have exploded. You can read Leah’s story here.
Remember that you always have choice
It isn’t what happens to you that makes the difference; it is what you do with what happens to you.
You have a choice as to how you handle this. This time is challenging for you both, and if you can approach the situation from a place of compassion and acceptance of the challenge, what difference would it make?
Even if your ex seems determined to rile you, anger you, or make life difficult, you can still choose to behave in a way that you feel proud of. Keep your dignity, don’t get drawn into conflict if you can help it. Keep calm, breathe and take a break.
Where you lead, the others around you may follow.
Be honest about your intentions
Think honestly about your intentions. What is your intention right now? Is it to make life as easy or as tricky as possible for yourself, your ex and your children?
What intention would you like to set, and keep in the forefront of your mind?
Imagine yourself as the director of a play - and write the next lines
Imagine yourself directing a play, watching the action from the front row - what one piece of advice would you give the main actors right now? What would you have them say or do in the next scene? Jot down your answers, and keep them in the forefront of your mind.
Use your imagination to help you
If you find your ex challenging to be around, imagine yourself inside a bubble of protection, that keeps you safe. Use it to prevent angry words from getting under your skin.
I had a client recently who imagined herself wearing a helmet that allowed her words out, but prevented negativity from coming in.
Or imagine yourself wearing a jacket with very slippery, slidey shoulders. Any negative words just slide off and fall to the floor.
What has worked already, and what hasn’t?
Think about what HAS worked to date in your arrangements and consider how you can use that experience now.
If your arrangement works because you were never both in at the same time, how you could organise a routine so that you aren’t both using the same space at the same time? Do you have a TV each? Can you watch Netflix on laptops in separate places? Do you both need to cook at the same time, or can you devise a rota?
Put boundaries in place - have your own space
Under ‘normal’ circumstances, do you have a space that is yours? The ability to retreat to somewhere that you know is just for you, where you can relax and know that you can take time to breathe, have a cup of tea, a G & T, read a book or talk to a friend is so valuable right now.
If this isn’t something you have thought about before, can you and your ex agree that there is a room that each of you can use as ‘yours’, and that the other will not use it? Even if you don’t have room to make this possible, can you both have “your” chair, or an agreement that if one of you is in a particular space, the other will respect that? It will benefit you both.
Be grateful for the little things
Take 5 minutes each morning to focus on the positives in your life, however small – the view from the window, fresh air in the garden, the joyous greeting your dog gives you first thing in the morning, a wave from a friendly neighbour.
Look for small moments of joy and happiness in the little things around you.
Remember to breathe!
Remember to breathe. When you feel your stress levels rising, breathe in while you count to 5, hold for 2, and breathe out again for 7. Notice how when you count, you can’t think. Your breath is more powerful than your thoughts.
If you feel an argument starting, stop, breathe and think before you respond. Make a conscious choice to be calm, and not to enter into a cycle of conflict.
If you are into mindfulness, or yoga, or meditation, then those practices could really help you now. If you haven’t tried them, perhaps now is a good time to start.
Take time out with the kids
Make sure you take time out to play. Playing with your children has the added benefit of creating endorphins and injecting some laughter into your day. If your children are older, perhaps now is the time to learn to play Fortnight (although I tried this once and was rubbish!).
See this as time to build on your relationships with the children, as a period of adjustment.
Can you take it in turns to look after the children, enabling you both to spend time with them without the other? When you find the mutual benefit, everyone has something to gain.
Find the silver lining
Ask yourself if there was one positive aspect to this, however tiny, what would it be? What could you do in your apare time? Which friends could ypu catch up with?Perhaps you can declutter all those cupboards you’ve been worrying about or sort out all your photos on your laptop. What do you have time to do now that you struggled to fit in before? Which box sets could you catch up on? What could you learn?
Find the funny
What makes you laugh? Do you have a favourite comedian? Find them on YouTube and make sure you laugh. Giggles are good, and they help to break a negative state.
Do things that make you smile
Do things that make you feel better – read that book you’ve been saving for your holiday, take a hot bath, listen to music you love, sing loudly in the shower, do some yoga or stretches in the garden. Or take up a new hobby, try a new exercise class.
Smiling and laughing are actually good for you - both release endorphins into your blood stream, helping you to feel calmer, more in control and more positive.
Be kind to yourself, and know that this too shall pass
If nothing else, know that this too shall pass. In 5 years’ time, this period of time will be a distant memory, and your life will look and feel entirely different.
As Charlie Chaplin once said, “Nothing is permanent in this wicked world. Not even our troubles.”
Imagine what that you of 5 years’ time might say to you now…