Perhaps you have been thinking about this conversation for a long time, or perhaps you have recently had a light-bulb realisation that you simply can’t continue in your marriage any longer. Or maybe you have been separated for a while, but neither of you has broached the subject of divorce.

Whatever your situation, this conversation is likely to set the tone for your divorce. Preparation is key.

These are my top 6 tips to prepare to tell your partner that you want a divorce.

Choose your moment

Think ahead and choose a time when you are unlikely to be interrupted or distracted. Leave your phone on silent and ask your partner to do the same.

Consider what you want your divorce to look like

To answer this, think about what sort of divorce you want. How do you want to feel when you look back in 5, or 10 years’ time?

If you want your divorce to be dignified and civilised, set this out right at the start. Reassure your partner that your intention is to behave in the very best way you can.

Speak from the “I”

If possible, avoid using the word “you” at all during the conversation. Own your decision and feelings, and don’t make assumptions about theirs. Work out exactly what you want to say. Keep it simple and keep blame out of it.

For example, “I have been thinking carefully about this, and I would like to separate/divorce. I have not been happy for some time, and I am sure that this is the best thing for me. I want to be dignified and civil as we work through this together, for both our sakes [, and for our children]”.

Understand that your partner is likely to be in a different place to you

Imagine that your relationship is a road you have been travelling along together. There may have been bumps in the road, and perhaps you have been travelling in parallel for some time – but you have been on the same road. Now you are now standing at a fork in the way.

You are about to have a conversation that puts you and your partner on different roads into the future. They may not be standing at the fork in the road with you. They are likely to be at a different place, travelling at a different speed to you. They may not have seen the fork coming, or if they have, they may have ignored it, or hoped it would go away.

Spend a little time thinking about where your partner is likely to be on the road of your relationship. If your decision is likely to be a shock to them, be aware that they may react with hurt and anger, or they may refuse to believe you. They may throw accusations at you, become defensive or try to talk you out of your decision. The more shocked they are, the more time they may need to come to terms with your decision.

Choose your responses carefully

How you respond to what they say really matters right now. Remind yourself how you want the divorce to proceed and ask yourself whether what you do or say now will help bring you nearer to that goal, or further away.

Set an intention to listen to their response without interrupting. Take deep breaths before you reply. Acknowledge that you have played a part in the breakdown of the relationship, but don’t be drawn into specifics or blame.

Don’t be drawn into discussions about settlements around finances or children – other than to agree that your children’s wellbeing is paramount. Right now, when emotions are probably running high, is not the time to make any decisions.

If your partner reacts angrily, avoid defending yourself or throwing counter-accusations into the ring. Don’t rise to any threats about the children, or the house, or splitting of finances. Take deep breaths, remind yourself to stay calm, and restate how you want to behave, and how you want the divorce to look.

Prepare an “exit line” that you can use ifthe conversation becomes heated, and you need to leave it.

Be the Steven Spielberg of your own mind

Did you know that your brain doesn’t know the difference between something that you remember and something that you imagine? You can use this to help prepare mentally and emotionally for this challenging conversation.

Once you have worked out what you want to say, imagine the scene vividly in your mind. Watch yourself going through the conversation in your imagination, saying all the things you want to say, and behaving in exactly the way you want.
Now rewind the scene right back to the beginning.
Run the scene through again, only this time, make it even clearer. Hear yourself saying the words. Make the picture brighter and more vivid. Make the screen even bigger.
Now rewind the scene right back to the beginning.
Run the scene through again. This time, step into the scene. You are no longer watching it, you are a part of it. See it with your own eyes, hear your own voice, feel yourself saying exactly what you need to from within your own skin.

Notice how you are in control of your words and actions and notice how you feel walking away knowing that you did the best you possibly could.

No-one gets married thinking that they will ever have to have this conversation, and it is a challenging one to have. I can’t emphasize strongly enough how important it is to prepare, and to be sure of what it is you want to say.

If you would like to discuss how I could help you prepare, please get in touch.

Contact me

NOTE: These tips do not apply if you are in a dangerous situation, or subject to domestic violence. If this is your position, please put your own safety first - a conversation with your partner may put you at risk.