For the first few months after my husband left me very suddenly, I was reeling with the pain, the hurt, the anger and the overwhelming confusion and uncertainty. I constantly asked myself how could he do this to me and our children?

That question led me down a path where everything was my ex-husband’s fault, where it was easy to blame him for it all, and I could feel justified in feeling angry and bitter. Having him to blame was comforting. People were sympathetic and kind, and they told me that he would soon realise he’d made a mistake. Those words too were comforting.

What I realised though, was that all the blame and anger I felt was keeping me stuck in a place where I felt I was the victim of what had happened to me. My feeling that way was increasing levels of conflict between us, and it was stopping me from moving forward and focusing on myself.

What was it that made the difference?

One day I read somewhere that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. That really resonated with me and has stuck with me ever since. I love the analogy, and I believe it’s right. While I was concentrating on being angry and resentful, he was getting on with his life. My anger was taking time and energy away from the positive steps I could be taking for myself.

I realised that by letting go of my anger and blame, I would be freeing myself, and giving myself more time, energy and space for better things.

These are my top 5 tips for letting go:

Make a conscious choice to let go

We all make choices all the time. When I made a conscious choice to let go of my anger, I was already half way there. As M L Stedman said in ‘the Light between Oceans’,

“You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things”.

Be honest with yourself about what you are gaining from holding on

If you were 100% honest with yourself, what angry/resentful/bitter feelings or thoughts are you holding onto?

Brainstorm them all onto a piece of paper, and as you write, notice how those thoughts and feelings affect your life. How do they affect how you behave? What you say? How you feel?

What do you get from holding onto those feelings?

I realised that hanging onto my anger was a way to get sympathy, and it meant that I didn’t have to look at where I could have been responsible. They meant I could put all the blame squarely onto my ex-husband, and make him into the villain of the piece, while I collected sympathy and hugs.

What would it be like to let go of those feelings? What could you do? What might you be able to feel instead? What difference would it make to your life?

I realised that if I let go of the anger, I would be able to communicate better about our divorce, I would be able to start to think about how to rebuild my life in a way I wanted, and I would be a better role model for my children - I would be showing them how to handle adversity with dignity.

Visualise life without those feelings

You have already started doing this with the exercise above. Imagine living a life without anger, or bitterness or resentment. See yourself going about your daily life without the pull of those feelings. Imagine what being free of those feelings will enable you to be, do and feel. Without those feelings, what do you have space for?

Every day, imagine yourself letting go, little bit by little bit.

Stick up reminders that help you to remember what you are gaining by letting go

These are a couple that helped me. Google the internet to find quotes that help you, and that keep you motivated to let go, then write them on post-it notes around your house:

It is not what happens to you that matters.png

“It is not what happens to you that makes the difference; it is what you do with what happens to you!”

“The best ‘revenge’ is to be happy”

“I am in charge of my feelings and I choose to let go”

Take action to symbolise your letting go

There all kinds of things you can do to let go symbolically. Some of the things my clients have used include:

Imagine breathing out all your anger into a balloon. Let it go and watch it whizz around. This works brilliantly with a rocket balloon!
Write a ‘letting go’ letter to your ex (that you never send) explaining that you are letting go of blame, resentment, anger, and telling them how this is going to make your life better.
Write all your hurt onto pebbles and throw them into the sea or write them down on paper and burn it/shred it.

When you truly let go, it frees you up to create a new reality free of emotional ties to the pain of what happened. This doesn’t mean that you will never again feel sadness or regret, or that your ex will never do something again that makes you feel angry. What it does mean is that you will be free to concentrate on living your life without a cloud hanging over you. You will be able to put all your focus into creating your new life, and you’ll have space to explore new and exciting options and choices.